My Story

I've been a Christ follower since 1981, but the biggest change in my life occurred in the Spring of 2005, on a mountain near Jasper, GA. I'd spent 23+ years 'doing' the Christian life, trying to be good, or better, anyway, repenting of sin and working at becoming all that God intended for me—an obedient and fruitful Christian man. The trouble was that it wasn't working.

Like most men, I've had an addiction. Mine started in the 4th grade and had burned without boundaries, even into my Christian life. I couldn't control it, and frankly, most of the time, didn't want to. Why do we sin? Because it's fun. It feels good. It fills holes in our soul that we don't know how to fill any other way. It covers wounds, and brings us relief. It's medication. We all have one, and if it's not Jesus, it's the wrong one. Call it an addiction. We're all addicted to something.

I got to the point where my Christian life and my 'dark of the night' life were no longer living happily together. I was being blessed and used by God in amazing ways. Doors kept opening, I kept leading new and greater things, and told the good news of what Jesus can do in our lives. While I was in chains, addicted, with a monster in my life that I could not control and who would not leave. I felt powerless, hopeless, wondering at times if I was even saved, or so self-deceived that I didn't even know what was real and true and what wasn't. Perhaps I was merely pretending.

It all came to a head when my constant companion wife got derailed by a dear friends' tragedy, who was a co-worker as well. She suddenly had to wrap her life around this other friend AND carry a load at work that was beyond human capacity. So I lost my wife for over 4 months. Doing exactly what she should do, and for God. How do you tell God that you want your wife back? It was the only time in my life that I actually asked the question, "So if I walked in front of a truck...." and that scared me, I knew I was in trouble. That summer, I discovered the book, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham, and like most men who grabbed it in spite of the title, found myself in tears after the first few lines. Finally, someone understood me and was telling my story. That book referenced a web forum, which I went to, my first, and where I met a few guys, but mostly a lot of women who hated the book and couldn't believe any of it. As I interacted with them, assuring them that yes, this is exactly how men think and feel, it was helpful for me to share my feelings, which I couldn't even share with my own wife.She was already miserable, and I couldn't heap more troubles on her.

Then, my wife crashed. The hours, the stress, the pain she suffered through with her friend, all took their toll. She realized that I was the only one who truly loved her and wanted her, that everything else is just a vapor, and that eventually, no one else really cares very much about all we've done. So we began another level of our relationship, one built on transparency and trust in ways that I'd always yearned for, but didn't even know was possible. It began to heal some holes in my heart.

The old forum collapsed through some strange works and posts, and just before it did, two people I'd grown rather close to found another forum where we could go and continue to share as we'd done. That forum was Ransomed Heart (sad to say that forum just ended a few months back, it just got to be too much for that small ministry to manage effectively). That forum was full of people asking the same questions that I was. Who are we? Why are we here? Is this it? Can we hang in there long enough to get to Heaven? And if so, how? How do we live life like that? And where is God in all this?

Along with a lot of like-minded friends, I was led to Lifetime Guarantee by Bill Gilham, and Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, and suddenly my Christian journey made sense. It was supposed to be hard, I couldn't live the Christian life, and we're in the middle of a war. But God. God's grace and life can live the life that I can't, His power and authority are what we need in the battle, and suddenly, like taking the red pill, I could see and understand. Everything. Craig invited me to a Ransomed Heart retreat run by Pastor Tim Harrison from his church in Elijay, and on a cabin porch there, God changed everything. He told me He loved me, in spite of everything, in spite of my addiction and my failures. It was overwhelming. It was personal, and it was deep. I was changed in a moment, and I knew it. Life was not going to be the same.

And I received a new identity. From half Christian/half monster, I became Zorro. That's only part of it, the part I can tell. The rest remains usually between me and God. It's why I resonate now with the story of Jacob, who I never much cared for, but he was just like us...working out a life the best he could until he was stuck and desperate, and then God showed up. When he wasn't even looking for Him. Gave him a new identity and purpose, and it changed everything. Check out Jacob's story here.

I have been living the abundant life, the free life. The addiction is gone, never revisited. My life is largely a life of joy, of walking in this intimate relationship with God, where He is my addiction. As He intended. Psalms 16:11 says, "You have made know to me the paths of life, in your presence is fullness of joy, in your right hand are pleasures forever!" God created pleasure! And He has it in abundance. Everywhere else we look is a false lover who cannot deliver. God delivers!

I've discovered that I'm not the first to experience this. Many others have gone before me. When I first heard Steve Brown of Key Life Ministries on the radio as a new believer, I couldn't even understand him. He was so gentle and kind, and seemed to think God was, too. Even reading CS Lewis now I'm struck at how his view of God's grace is radically different than most churches today. Bill Gillham wrote his book in the 80's...and John Eldredge is the one who's condemned by the 'God in a box' theologians, even though he's merely expressing (quite well!) the true heart of God today that many others have expressed throughout the centuries. I discovered that God does not like living in a box, no matter how big you've made yours for Him. He's way bigger. He's an escape artist, and He escaped the box I had built for Him. He brought me into Himself. This is a romance, a marriage, a honeymoon, even. And no one ever told me that that was what it was about.

That's what makes me get up in the morning, and makes me want to introduce you to this God you've never known.