Grace. And Murder.

This is one of the most sickening times I've experienced. I guess that when you minister to felons, ex-felons, and the ones that haven't been caught yet...you should expect something bad to happen. For 25 years of that, though, nothing has. I've seen God's grace change men and women in amazing ways, freeing them from their pasts, their shame, their addictions, and into healing and freedom and wholeness. It's rarely an easy process, and more often than not there are troubles and setbacks and failures still...but over time, when God moves in, He wins! Thankfully!

A year ago I watched such a transformation in a man who I grew close to. He'd come to Wayside broken and empty, had blown up his marriage and family of two young girls, his wife had restraining orders against him...but God moved. In hope against hope, this man's heart changed, his whole demeanor changed, and as crazy as it sounds, his ex-wife actually contacted him! They visited, dated a bit again, and then, unbelievably, were remarried!! It was an awesome thing to see. I was there. There was weeping and shouts of joy and hugs, at all that God had done. We believed again, ourselves, that God could indeed do most anything!

And then a few weeks later, he ran off, using drugs again. His church embraced him and walked thru it with him, his wife received him back again. And then he was gone again. She loved him, but didn't love him high. So she went back downstate where she was from, trying to put the past behind her. My heart broke for her. She'd set aside all her fears and wounds and received him back, and I imagine her family told her she was nuts. I admired her courage and her heart.

The last time I saw him was right after he'd come back to Wayside for a few days before he left again. He was determined to go find her. He said he'd walk if he had to, didn't matter, he wanted her back. I warned him against it. I knew that he'd pushed her past her limits this time. He would not listen. His mind was made up. And I knew that it was not a good idea. I'd sent her a text somewhere along the way to warn her or just share my sorrow with her at how things turned out.

And I never heard from either again.

Until two weeks ago, I got word that wrecked me. He murdered her last summer.

.......*there are no words for this*........

Sickened, sad, broken, wretched, angry, anything on the dark side of the paper I was feeling. I was crushed is perhaps the best word. Crushed. I'm still crushed. I looked up the news story, hoping against hope that it wasn't true, but there it all was. She's dead. Their young daughters orphaned, likely taken in by her family who thought she was nuts and who likely hate him with every passion in them, of course.

And he's locked away forever. He confessed, there is no defense, of course. And he should be locked away forever. But he's still my brother. God still loves him. Even though I'm not quite sure of my love for him. And then God showed my something totally unexpected.

God feels the same way about my sin as I do about my brother's. God is crushed, and sick to His stomache (if He has one) and disbelieving, and sad, and angry. You see, I get so used to my sin. I can rationalize it. I can compare it. And I can live with it. It's no big deal. And God vomits. It's hard for us to ever imagine what our sin looks like to God. Now, I know, at least in part. For this thing my friend did is so wretched, so disgusting, so crushing, my own spirit is a mess even as I write this. And that's how God feels. Wow. It makes me confess and repent immediately.

And here's the most amazing (and challenging) thing. Even as God weeps over my sin, He loves me. He extends grace to me, covers me in His righteousness, forgives me, and embraces me. How does He do that after what I've done? And how can I do that to my brother. The murderer. After what he's done? I have to remember that we are no longer defined by our failure or our sins, but by the One Who Loves Us. Amazing Grace. Truly. I pray that I can extend it as God does.