Blankets and Fire

I've discovered that there are blanket days, and fire days.

Tuesday was a blanket day.

Not necessarily the kind where you pull the blanket over your head instead of getting out of bed. (Though that might be nice on those days!)

When we've experienced traumatic events in our lives (you can read about ours in my Sept 2011 and following entries), and even after a lot of healing, we still live with a blanket over us. It suffocates us, closes us off, slows us down, and just muffles life. We can't feel joy like we did before. And when we do, it doesn't last. We're numbed, and not fully present. Life feels very gray or beige. Shadows.

But if we allow it, the trauma also creates fire. We now understand what's important, we scream with delight at the good things and those moments of joy, and at times find ourselves living more fully than ever. As I write, there's the smell of lilacs wafting over the deck and thru the screen door that is intoxicating. We hug, hard! We love deeply, and allow others to love us. We know that life is short and difficult, so a holy fire comes that drives us to make a difference, in the world, ourselves, and others. So at times, we discover that we're more alert and alive than ever.

Until the next blanket day comes.

So we alternate between living with the blanket over our heads and breathing fire from the rooftops. You never know which one is coming. I have discovered that I need to be aware of which one I'm living at the moment, and try to respond accordingly, or even what helps cause it.

Stupid and truly unimportant things can lead to blanket days. Your team loses. Something breaks or doesn't work, like plumbing or your internet. Your spouse does the eye roll thing or says something that cuts deeply, unintentionally. The toast burns. Or the toaster is too slow. It doesn't take much to discourage us. I find on those days that I have to enter in, intentionally. I have to enter into others' lives, and dig into God. Isolation only makes it worse. I've got to get 'out there'.

On the fire days, I just let it burn! (And ask God to keep me from doing or saying something stupid!)

Mostly what I'm trying to learn is that all this just is. There will be blanket days. And fire days. And it's ok.

I Had a Dream...Grace I can understand

This dream is as powerful as to me as Martin Luther King, Jr,'s was to him. It changes things. For me, in my spirit, heart, and head. Some things are just so hard for us to understand...and sometimes, God makes them so clear.

So I dream that I have a meeting with Ed, who I only know thru a mutual friend. He's not a client, but has asked me to do a valuation on his real estate business. I begin to explain the work involved, and it's clear that he is expecting me to do it for free. Again, I explain why I just can't do it for free, and he drops the financial statements down on the desk, and goes to take a call from someone. I look at the statement and see that his profit last year was $617,000! That's a lot!! I've only had a handful of clients who ever earned that kind of money in a year.

When Ed returned, I told him there was a problem: that either he had that much profit and therefore enough resources to pay for a proper valuation, or if he didn't have that much profit, he had an even bigger problem with bad books and needed even more help. He looked away and said, "I didn't really want to tell you the reason I wanted you to review this. The laws have changed, and I need to update my beneficiary information." And then a bombshell: "I want you to take this over."

And I said, "Whoa. Hold on. Don't you have a wife or kids?" And he said, "No, no one. I want you to have it." And I said, "But you barely know me..." And suddenly I was reeling. Why would this man give me his business? A super successful business? He really didn't know me. And I was shaking, and weeping...uncontrollably, at the generosity of this. It made no sense. He had the wrong guy.

And immediately something else hit me: THIS is GRACE!! Oh, my. Why have I not seen it? How did I miss that it's just like this? God (who, truly, I barely knew!) stopped by my table, and said, "You're mine. Son. Rescued. Hope given. New ending to your story." Out of nowhere. And why? Because He wanted to.

As I thought about it later, I thought, "Well, this would be something like some stranger driving by in a red Porsche, stopping in my driveway, leaving it with the keys and title, and walking away.

And yet, this is so much better. And I've grown so used to it. Maybe even feeling at times like I deserve it. It just becomes so common. Like someone who wakes up looking at that scene above everyday, having their coffee out there and going, "Ho hum. Another crappy day of work ahead..." and so wrapped up in their life that they can no longer see the very things in front of them. Now. Here.

May God give me eyes to see it, a heart to receive it. It really is amazing.